Lilies and Roses
by I'm-Reading
Summary: Some people prefer Lilies and some prefer Roses. James/Lily James/OC
1. Chapter 1

In Hogwarts there is gossip. It's a fact and everyone knows it. There's not a single soul that doesn't do it, I swear I even saw Dumbledore whispering something to McGonagall. That's just how drastic it is. The more popular you are, the more the gossip follows you, except if your name is Leslie Trench, in which case the gossip follows you anyway. The point being that I sit atop the popular crowd. It's not a point of vanity; it's just the way things worked out. And seeing as I have all eyes on me, I hear many things whispered behind my back, though I'm almost positive that Sirius makes up half of them... A different point perhaps.

But what happens between me and Lily Evans isn't even gossip anymore. It's been going on too long; it would be rather tiring to keep whispering about it. People just accepted the way things were. The girls seemed to accept that I was in love with Lily, though that didn't stop them from flirting madly with me, and they also accepted that Lily hated me, which was probably why they continued doing it.

Love. It was an interesting word. I hadn't thought much of it. When I was fourteen I'd applied it to the obsession I had with Penny Adamson. When I was fifteen I'd applied it to the constant game Lily and I had played. When I was sixteen I'd applied it to infatuation I'd had with her. And now at the ripe age of seventeen I thought slightly more carefully before I said the word. It was the right word I was almost positive. It was the butterflies in my stomach as I watched her. It was how I noticed everything about her until I knew her better than I knew myself. It was the heavy blow in my stomach as she pushed by me as if she didn't know I existed. It was the fluttering in my heart when she spoke even a simple word to me. Yes, I was sure it was love. And I felt robbed of it.

I wished that I had never fallen in love with Lily Evans. Because every glare, every harsh word, every time she ignored me, it cut like a sword through my heart again and again until I felt as if I would explode or break down crying. And yet I still loved her, I simply couldn't help myself. It was the way she smiled at the little Hufflepuff first year that absolutely adored her. It was the way she focused so hard on her school work, how she studied in the library or in the common room when everyone had gone off to bed. It wasn't the game of play and catch she always insisted it was. For I would have loved to be with her without all the fuss. For me it would be like a weight lifted from my shoulders, a medicine that would cure the ache in my heart.

I shook my head short hair sticking up crazily and then flopping back against my forehead, I moved it backwards with my hand almost on instinct. I rubbed my eyes knocking my glasses off the bridge of my nose. They fell to the floor and shattered. I groaned picking them up and muttering a quick _reparo_. The glass melded together forming a clear easy surface. I slipped them back over my eyes without incident and rose from beside the fire.

I grabbed my bag from the floor slinging it casually onto my shoulder. I exited the common room surprised to find it empty, all the others having gone down to breakfast. The portrait swung closed behind me as I stepped out wrapping my cloak around me to keep out the chill of late October. I hurried down the Great Hall jogging down the stairs which seemed to try to move as slowly as possible. I entered the Great Hall in fifteen minutes, which was ten minutes longer than I'd wanted it to be. I sat down next to Sirius who looked decidedly moody, which was never a good thing. Remus looked worried as well and I gave him a questioning look. He shrugged and returned to his eggs and book. I began to pile some potatoes and sausage on to my plate. Eating quickly as I was late to breakfast. I was done in record time and quickly wiped my mouth on my napkin and turned to face Remus who had finished as well.

"Are you excited about class?" I asked him.

He looked up from his book, which he'd propped against his glass of pumpkin juice.

"Are you?" he asked sounding decidedly uninteresting, which alerted me to the fact that this was Moony we were talking about so I turned to my left and caught sight of the girl beside me. Or to be more accurate she caught sight of me.

"James," she cooed, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

The only reason I didn't turn away was that I caught sight of her hair. And it was a fabulous shade of dark fiery red, so like Lily's it was shocking. And I could stare at it all day long. I resisted the urge to reach out and touch it.

"Rose," I said.

Rose happened to be my only friend that was a girl, and the only one that had ever been my girlfriend. She understood that I loved Lily and I understood that she loved me. She took my hand in her own and stroked it gently. Remus gave me a look from over the top of his book and I shrugged. He returned to his reading though I could see that he was sneaking glances at me from the top of his book. Sirius didn't turn around to flirt with Rose, which alerted me that something was wrong, but at that moment Rose started to speak.

"Did you hear about the attack?" she asked gently.

I turned towards her, and I was afraid as I looked into her clear blue eyes. They looked straight through me and I wondered not for the first time why I couldn't just date Rose. She was everything that a guy could want. Talented and beautiful, smart and gentle. Rose was a gem and I was glad to call her a friend. But she just wasn't Lily, and I hated how that hurt her.

"Who was hurt?"

"Killed," she said gently, "It was the Pendersons."

I gasped. The Pendersons were a well respected family, there was a Gryffindor girl in our year that I had grown up with that was named Maria Penderson. We had been best friends until I went to Hogwarts. Her parents had pulled her out of school because of You-Know-Who's rise to power.

"Maria as well," I asked.

She nodded gravely and as I looked at her closely I could see dark circles under her eyes and her eyes looked slightly bloodshot. But here she was worried about me.

"Oh, James," she said softly, "I just can't believe she's dead."

I could never remember Rose being good friends with Maria but they'd shared a dorm for seven years and that's more than most could say.

"Let's go for a walk," I said pulling her up from the table.

Remus watched us cautiously, his eyes sticking up from his book, like he was watching a soap opera. I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue at him, however it seemed inappropriate in the current situation.

"But class," she protested.

"We can spare fifteen minutes," I said simply and she didn't protest.

I lead her outside, into the crisp air and we started to walk. She grabbed my hand and I held it more for her benefit then mine. It took her a minute to speak.

"I just can't believe, Maria's dead," Rose said, "It brings the war closer to you when it's someone you know."

"Yes," I said softly, "War seems to do that."

"Oh, James," she cried flinging her arms around me and crying hard, I patted onto her back as she sobbed. When she finished crying she wiped her eyes on her sleeve and sniffled, looking kind of pathetic.

"Thanks," she said weakly kissing me lightly on the lips.

It was weird how I was used to the way we were. If there wasn't any gossip about me and Lily then there was so much about me and Rose. That she had seduced me, that she fed me love potions and that I was her obedient love slave. Of course all of this just bounced off Rose as she held her head high and waded through it all. Another reason that I loved Rose.

Sometimes I just wanted to scream and curse and then murder Lily Evans because she had _made _me fall in love with her against my will. And because I loved her, I couldn't love Rose the way I so desperately wanted to.

Rose placed my arm around her and leaned into me partly because of the cold and partly because she wanted to be near to me. We were silent and I gently guided her back inside to the warmth of the giant castle that we called home. As we entered the castle I shrugged my arm out from around her shoulders and she sighed lightly.

"Thank you, James," she said, "that helped."

And with that she skipped off, winding her way around the castle as well as a Marauder. I headed quickly off to Defense using a different route so I wouldn't have to run into her. I would've given anything to love her the way that I loved Lily. For my life to end in the happily ever after that both of us wanted. I told her this once and she'd laughed.

"Oh, sweetheart," she'd said, "it's not your fault. You were meant to love Lily, not me. Perhaps it is my fault for falling in love with you. There are times of course that I wish for your love so greatly, as great as you wish for hers, perhaps stronger. But the wills of a silly little girl has nothing to do with anything in the great thing that it fate. Oh, how I love you James."

She'd giggled and ran her hand against my jaw line.

"But you are not mine and you never will be."

She'd turned away then, leaving me with an unpleasant feeling in my stomach.

I arrived outside the Defense classroom and shook my head as I entered the first one there. I pulled out my homework, spreading it out in front of me. The parchment was half completed and filled with creased lines, rips, tears, and smudges of food. I crumpled up the paper and threw it into my bag, struggling around in my bag for a spare piece of parchment. I pulled out a clean sheet and spread it out on the desk, dating it and titling it before beginning. I wrote quickly only stopping to quickly to refill my quill. The more I wrote the more interested I became. I finished off the parchment with a quick flip of my quill, blowing on the ink careful not to smudge it.

Remus took the seat next to me, the one usually occupied by Sirius and I turned to face him.

"Where's Sirius?" I asked him.

"I was about to ask-"he stopped in midsentence having caught sight of the neat filled parchment in front of me, "What is that?"

"My homework," I said casually.

He snatched it from my grasp. Amber eyes flashed across the parchments, pupils dilating in interest.

"You wrote this?" he asked me, "When?"

"Right now," I told him.

He raised an eyebrow in skepticism but I was saved from having to hear an insult to my intellect by Sirius sulking in to the room. He looked ready to murder someone. He glared at a cluster of Hufflepuff's sitting nearest to him and they flinched away in terror.

"Good morning class," McKinnon said appearing in the middle of the classroom, half the class still jumped.

Professor McKinnon was not like other Professor's. She was young for one. She had graduated two years early from Hogwarts and she had been immediately admitted into Auror training, something unheard of. She was fresh from Auror training and was barely twenty years old, and she had agreed to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Because as she put it, "Training young people is like training an army, you need the most brilliant officer to stay back and train the troops to be exactly like him."

It had been the first day of class and everyone had looked at her strangely, and more than a couple of boys had turned their heads to look back again. She was really very beautiful. Long black hair wound neatly into a twist on her neck, grey eyes stared up at you fiercely, a beauty in itself. She was tall and slim and she moved as fast as lightning. Everyone in the class learned to respect her and understand though she was hardly older she was ten times as intelligent.

Her class was the class that everyone looked forward too. Even the Slytherin's seemed to enjoy them. In their cold slimy way. I had learned more from her in that in the two months than I had in the previous six years from any other of my Defense teachers. She was harsh though. She drilled us all as hard as she could, and we were better because of it. Some of the people hated her for it, but most seemed to shine. Students that had trouble in every other class seemed to thrive in the environment.

"Today, class," she announced, "We will be learning a complicated bit of magic that I'm sure you'll find very useful far too soon. It's called the Patronus charm."

There were several gasps from throughout the room, and a general amount of whispering as all of the Muggleborns asked their neighbors what a Patronus charm was. Remus looked as if Christmas had come early, and he smiled widely at me. A Patronus charm was a charm used to repeal Dementors. Seeing as they sucked the happiness out of you, a Patronus was like a symbol of hope and warmth and it drove the monsters off. The Marauders had been working on it, but the farthest we'd gotten had been a thin grey mist. Remus had claimed we just needed more practice.

"Or maybe, we need someone to teach us," I'd quipped.

He'd scowled flicking his wand. Sirius and I cracked up as a bouquet of flowers erupted from the end.

"Patronus's are one of the most difficult pieces of magic, so don't be discouraged if you don't get it in this class. We have two weeks to get this down. It's harder of course when Dementors are there, but it also sets a pressure upon you. Be warned."

Her tone was serious and she seemed to stare everyone in the eyes.

"The incantation is _Expecto Patronum. _In order for the spell to work you must think of the happiest moment you can think of. Draw it to your mind, let in envelope you. Your entire being must be filled with happiness and then only then can you say the incantation. Pair up!"

I turned to Remus, to see Leslie Trench clinging to his side. He looked very disgruntled at his current position and I chuckled to myself as my eyes scanned the room. Rose moved over to me looking better than she had thirty minutes prior. She took my hand and pulled me to the center of the room where all the desks had been moved to the sidelines.

"Got a memory you're thinkin' of using?" Rose asked me curiously.

I shrugged trying to think of the happiest moment in my life. My first thought was of the first prank the Marauders had pulled, but I'd tried that before. My second was of the making of the Marauders map, but now that I thought of it, parts of that had been extraordinarily boring.

But then an image flashed before my mind. Call it intuition, call it obsession, infatuation, whatever. I like to think that it was an insane grasp at the future. But I could see Lily in my mind, this as a feat was not unusual, she was in my thoughts more than normal. And she was kissing me, which also wasn't extremely abnormal. But it wasn't a peck on the lips sort of kiss, nor was it one that was it made of passion. It was just a kiss to show that she loved me, and it meant more to me than life itself.

"_Expecto Patronum."_

A stag burst from the tip of my wand. He was a majestic creature, his legs moving with grace as he danced through the air and I vaguely wondered if that was what I looked like as Prongs. The students gazed at the stag in amazement. Watching as he reared his antlers and pranced around the classroom. The patronus seemed to bring a feeling of happiness and contentment, something most classrooms had lacked in the past year. The stag vanished in thin air as my concentration lapsed and the blue mist seemed to settle over the class, and they seemed to absorb it, laughing and talking among themselves.

"Excellent, Potter," I heard McKinnons voice call out,"50 points to Gryffindor."

Surprisingly none of the other houses groaned, they seemed in far too much of a good mood, too.

"James," Rose whispered, "What memory did you use?"

I blushed slowly and she looked at me curiously, blue eyes seeming to look straight into my soul.

"Nothing," I said quickly turning away.

It hurt me to hurt her.

"It was Lily, wasn't it?" she asked, though it was more of a statement than a question. "James, it's all right."

She placed her hand on my face and I placed my hand on her arm, but I couldn't shrug her off this time.

"She is yours, even if she doesn't know it yet. Time will tell. Do not fear that you will hurt me. You already have."

I made a move to stop her, to protect her from- from who I wasn't sure, myself perhaps. But she would not let me speak.

"I have told you many times. _I love you_."

She said this fiercely as if daring me to object. I knew her better than that.

"But you are not mine, James. No matter what I want, you will always be hers. Just wait until she notices."

She turned away then and where her hand had been felt cold. It hurt me to know that there was nothing I could do to stop her pain. That came on its own, and I knew that she would not accept if I asked her to go out with me. She had it in her mind, and once she had made up her mind there was no stopping her. She was left to suffer alone. For nothing I could do would ease her suffering.


	2. Chapter 2

In my seven years of Hogwarts I have learned many things. Learning I was a witch may have been the most important, but there are other smaller things to be learned from the wizarding world. It's the way that society is so different from the lives of Muggles. Not better certainly. There are many things that I admire about the wizarding world, but Muggles know things. It may seem odd, but they truly understand the way the world works, or they try at least. Wizards feel no such need. They do what they will and that's the end of it. They consider themselves dominant in all ways.

Say using Voldemort as an example. There are dictators like him in Muggle culture, that's true. But is he any more of a threat than Hitler himself was? Where are the leaders that will lead the uprising? Why won't the other wizarding communities ban together to protect Britain? It makes no sense, the wizards believe themselves superior to Muggles, but are they really? If the Muggles have gone where we have not… It's an interesting thought none of the less.

I sighed pushing long red hair out of my face. Considering the deep mysteries of the world again, how morbid.

"Lily," Serena stated again, "You're staring."

"At what, who?" I said immediately, glancing around desperately.

"God, Lils," she said, "Sometimes you're just so helpless."

"I can't help it…. I just-"

"Stare."

"Go off in your own world."

"Annoy the crap out of your best friend."

"Drive everyone crazy."

"Stick your head up in the clouds."

"Yes!" I practically screamed, "I get it."

And the really sad thing is no one even glanced up. Not a single pair of eyes flickered to the two of us. That's just how used to us they were. To tell you the truth it kind of scared me.

My eyes flickered down the table, trying to catch up what I'd missed in my daydream. My eyes shifted over faces as I took a sip of pumpkin juice. I could already see that Leslie Trench had been dumped for the fifth time this week, bawling bright blue eyes out. Goldstein hovered over her with a predatory expression, patting her back in "sympathy". I cringed in disgust. Poor Leslie, I hope she finds a good guy. It appeared Longbottom had finally wracked up the guts to ask Alice out, because I could see them sucking face a few seats down.

I glanced down at the paper in front of me, afraid to pick it up.

I looked at Serena, who stared at me solemnly.

**YOU-KNOW-WHO**** STRIKES AGAIN!**

_By: Fling Wimberskin_

_The Pendersons, a renowned pureblood family, _

_were attacked and murdered yesterday in their_

_ home in Godrics Hollow. The family included_

_ Robert and Rachel Penderson, two of the most_

_ respected Aurors of the time, and their young _

_daughter, Maria. The couple had taken their _

_daughter out of school in hope of protecting her _

_from the oncoming war,but little passes for_

_ protection these days. The family was staunchly_

_ against any sort of blood-purity, though they _

_were a very influential and powerful family, it has _

_become clear that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_

_has no limits, even when it comes to young people. _

_We wish the best to the friends and families of the victims._

"Maria," I breathed heavily.

"I know," Serena said softly.

"I never would have guessed..."

"No, neither would I."

I enveloped her in a hug, holding her tightly.

"Who will be next?" I whispered into her shoulder.

I released her glancing down the table to see how the rest of Gryffindor was taking it. Everyone seemed unaffected, eating their breakfasts in happy ignorance. Everyone except Rose Harrow and Potter, who stood, James taking her hand in his and leading her out of the Great Hall.

"But class," I could hear her quietly protest in a soft lilting voice.

"We can spare fifteen minutes," he said roughly dragging her out of the hall.

"What is he doing?" I asked moving to stand.

Serena pulled me down. I glanced at her annoyance.

"What?" I snapped.

"Don't create a scene," she whispered in my ear, "You know how gossip spreads. And besides, why would you care if James Potter and Rose Harrow are sneaking outside on a cold winter's day?"

"I don't," I said immediately.

Serena grinned and I tried to give her a reprimanding glare, which normally fails when your mind is preoccupied with a certain Chaser….. Snap out of it, Lily. You hate him. Yes hate, hate was a better emotion. Stupid, idiot, annoying, pigheaded, moron, self-absorbed, immodest, horrible, Potter. Those words went together. Jealous and Potter didn't. Unless he was the one that was being jealous…. Still, it wouldn't hurt to make sure he wasn't harming, poor, sweet, innocent, Rose. She was easily susceptible after all, and it's my duty as head girl to make sure that no abuse is going on in this school.

I stood from the table, slinging my bag over my shoulder, in no way had I noticed it was the exact same as James Potter's. I walked quickly ignoring Serena's cries. I stepped out of the Great Hall, ducking under the arm of a Hufflepuff, not bothering to apologize. I headed outside the castle, the cold air hitting me and making me shiver. I fought the urge to run back inside to the warmth of the castle, but I continued, Rose had to be saved from _Potter_ of course.

I spotted them quickly, Rose's arms were wrapped around James's body and she let out great heaving sobs against his chest. His arm's encircled her waist and he held her tightly, his face pained. She let go first, sniffing and wiping her eyes and nose against the sleeve of her robe. She looked up at him adoringly, looking kind of sad and pathetic. And I felt bad for her, I really did. If I worshipped _Potter_…Ugghhh.

"Thanks," she said and then as if it were nothing she leaned over and kissed him.

On the lips. I mean really, kissing him, when he was in love with _me. _I mean the poor girl; she didn't really stand a chance. And him, what was he doing kissing _her? _Wasn't this guy in love with me? Was he a dope? Did he not love me anymore? Not that that was a bad thing, but… really? I fought off the immediate urge to stomp up to them and ask them what the hell they were doing, but that was idiotic. Stupid. Nonsensical. Ridiculous. Absurd. Inconceivable. And not going to happen.

What did happen was that Rose wrapped James's arm around her and drew close to his side. He allowed it curling his hand on her shoulder. They walked that way up to the castle and through the great doors, leaving me cold and shivering out in the rain. I huffed, stomping up to the castle and through the doors, barely feeling the warmth returning to my limbs, I shivered anyway. I arrived at the defense doorway, letting others pass me on their way in.

"Are you ok, Lily?" Remus asked me, stopping.

_No._

"I'm fine."

"You look a little upset."

_I am._

"It's _fine_, Remus. Honestly."

"If you're sure….," he said, not sounding very sure.

_I'm not._

He walked past, giving me a worried backwards glance. I waited until Serena was there, looking harried and annoyed.

"Where did you go?" she asked me, pushing brown hair back with a hassled hand.

"Nowhere," I said glumly.

"I know that look," she said skeptically

"Forget it," I said brushing past her into the classroom.

People bustled with movement. Everyone was switching from one table to the next, talking to the person next to them. I moved to my normal seat at the front plopping my stuff down and glancing over the hopefully Potter free zone. No such luck. He sat scribbling frantically over a half filled piece of paper, hazel eyes blazing brightly as he worked. It was interesting to watch him work, the intense expression in his eyes, and I found that I couldn't tear my eyes away.

"Good morning, class."

I whipped my head around, hair flying out wildly behind me. Professor McKinnon stood in the middle of the room, and I wanted to slap myself on the head. Who else? Serena laughed quietly beside me.

"Shut up," I told her.

Professor McKinnon was my favorite teacher. Everyone in the class mumbled and groaned about all the work she assigned us, but inside most people loved it. It was hard work, but we'd learned a ton. I found myself in the library half the time trying to find a spell she'd only briefly mentioned in class. She inspired everyone. That was the right word. She was so young, and yet she was so much better than any of us. It never ceased to amaze me.

"Today, class," she announced, "We will be learning a complicated bit of magic that I'm sure you'll find very useful far too soon. It's called the Patronus charm."

I tried not to squeal and jump around like a four year old. I'd been trying since third year to learn to do a patronus. Each attempt had failed though, because there wasn't much information on them. They were a rare piece of magic, but deadly useful.

"Patronus's are one of the most difficult pieces of magic, so don't be discouraged if you don't get it in this class. We have two weeks to get this down. It's harder of course when Dementors are there, but it also sets a pressure upon you. Be warned."

He tone was serious and she seemed to stare everyone in the eyes. Steel gray eyes seeming to connect with each and every individual in the classroom. I found myself shivering against the intensity. Could I ever be like that?

"The incantation is _Expecto Patronum. _In order for the spell to work you must think of the happiest moment you can think of. Draw it to your mind, let it envelope you. Your entire being must be filled with happiness and then only then can you say the incantation. Pair up!"

Serena and I turned to each other immediately as if on instinct. We rolled our eyes at each other and stood moving to the big center of the class, standing in the middle on the large eight-pointed star. I glanced around the classroom, checking to see who had paired up. Evan Gibson had paired with Hanna Martin. I could see Leslie Trench clinging to Remus's side, as he tried to gently pry her off of him. The two twins, Vicky and Tory were talking animatedly. And last but not least Potter and Harrow stood holding hands and I tried to resist scowling at them.

I waved my wand, twirling it and then adding the proscribed jab, but nothing came out but a spout of green mist.

"That's not even the right color," Serena commented unnecessarily.

I turned to glare at her, emerald green eyes flaring.

"_Forgive me_," I said scathingly.

She raised one slender eyebrow, resting her hands on her hips.

"What's your problem?"

"What's _your _problem?"

"Have I done something?"

I sighed, not really up for the fight.

"It's just…"

"Yes," she said, looking expectant.

"I've had a lot of things going on in my life and I just don't know how to cope with them."

Serena grinned animatedly and I almost laughed at the sudden change.

"Don't we all?"


	3. Chapter 3

**AN. Sorry it's just a tad more profane. This is Sirius's POV. Enjoy! (Tell me who's POV you'd like next, I'm willing to do almost anyone)**

Some days are just pure shit. And I'm sorry to tell you that today was one of those days. The days when the girl you actually thought something could work out with dumps you, saying, "Really, Sirius, you're just not the type of guy anyone wants to spend the rest of their life with." Well gee thanks sweetheart; it didn't quite seem that way last night when you were sucking my face off. My fault, sorry, must have misread the signals. It was the kind of day when you find out that your brother has been a Deatheater for six bloody months and you only find out because you get a letter from your parents telling you to follow in his example.

Have you ever had one of those days? Let me just tell you, it's like getting hit by a bludger over and over again until you can't take a single breath. Hurts. And you know the icing on top of the cake made for Sirius's day from hell, no one noticed. I mean I can see the stares. And most everyone in the school knows that Mary broke up with me. But James hasn't said a single word. Hasn't come up to ask me what's wrong. Nothing. I can see him now talking quietly to Rose in the back of the potions classroom. Comparing notes from last class or something stupid and studious. The last thing I want right now is to be sitting still in a classroom.

I want so badly to punch something. At the moment preferably James face, but anything would do. I clutched the wooden table, anything to distract me from the insane urge to pound my best mates face off. Old Sluggie enters, carrying a bowl of pineapple disgustingness and talking to himself. Stupid, useless old man. But even I can admit that he makes good potions.

"Today, class," Slughorn said, clearing his throat, wiping his fingers on the front of his robe and setting his bowl aside, "We're going to be starting the month long project of making the very complex Polyjuice Potion."

He smiled widely as if we should all be jumping around and skipping. Move on with your class, who bloody cares?

"I have already chosen your partners for the assignment and I expect no complaints on who you'll be working with. Are we clear?"

He glared down at us in a way that somehow still managed to feel completely unthreatening. As if he would even.

"Harrow, Evans," he called out loudly.

I could see Lily scowling at Jalen, who she was sitting next to, mentally saying, _save me from anyone that's somewhat related to Potter_, and Rose was giving James a wistful look as if to say, _I would rather be with you. _ Rose slid into the seat beside Lily though giving her room mate a polite smile. Lily returned it, but it was easy to tell that neither's heart was in it. James got to be with Jalin, who was a horrible potions maker. Worse than James himself, she'd melted two cauldrons, just in the last year. I could see him wincing as Jalin moved to sit beside him.

And because today was my day from hell you can guess who my partner was can't you? Mary smiled a polite, but completely false smile as she slid awkwardly into the seat next to me.

"He-"

"Don't even bother."

* * *

Class was finally over and all I wanted to do was _sleep_. Sleep all the rest of the day and never come down again. But fate once again intervened in on my happiness. I'd no sooner plopped down on my bed that the door opened. James walked in, a bag of books slung on his arms and a carefree smile on his face. The moment he entered I leaped from the bed, an insane rage grabbing a hold of me. I swung my fist around and my hand connected hard with his face.

"Oww," he said, rubbing his check where my hand had hit, "What the hell, mate?"

And then suddenly I was sobbing. It was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. But I didn't have the strength to do anything but clutch James's back and sob my eyes out. I make it a point that no one ever sees me cry. Only two people had ever seen me cry. James and Regulus. It had been Regulus that had always been my support system at home. I'd always put on a brave face for him though, hadn't let him know how much our parents had bothered me. Probably put on too strong of a brave face. Didn't get the message that I hated those scum bags.

"Are you alright?" he asked, when I was just sniffling like a girl.

That set me into great fits of hilarity. I was barking. Laughing full out. James chuckled, watching me with weary eyes.

"Today has been my day from hell," I finally managed to chock out

"Yeah, mate. I'm sorry, I heard about you and Mary. I really thought you two were going to make it."

"Yeah, so did I. Big loss, whatever," I tried to say it flippantly, so that it didn't sound like it really hurt. But James knew me better than that.

He shrugged, "She wasn't the one. You'll find her. Someone who's really right for you."

"Is that why you're still waiting for Lily? Maybe she isn't the one."

He looked startled. Hazel eyes widened in surprise.

"She's the one," but he said it hesitantly, as if he wasn't even sure anymore. Good. I liked Rose better.

"What if Rose is the one and you're letting her slip through your fingers by still sticking to Lily? Ever thought of that? 'Cause your tearing her apart, mate. You have to know that."

Best to stay away from my problems. Keep talking about James's. That helped. What I didn't expect was the sudden pained expression that crossed James's face. I hadn't suspected that he was hurting as much as Rose was. Worse maybe. He ran a tired hand through his hair and it stuck up in a way that made him look more insane.

"I've thought of it every second I'm with her. But it's different with Lily; there is no way to explain it. She's so beautiful in a way that I really just can't describe. But Rose…," he sighed, as if she were unexplainable, "she's the perfect girl for me. I know that. But I just don't love her. Even when I really, really want to."

I looked at him. The pained expression in his hazel eyes, begging me to understand. Not to judge him. And I didn't. Not really. I wasn't one to advise on girl troubles. And suddenly I couldn't keep it inside myself for one second longer.

"Regulus is a deatheater."

James just stared at me for a second, and then comprehension appeared in his eyes and he just sunk into the bed beside me. He wasn't sympathetic, I appreciated that more than I could say, he was just James.

"Sorry, that really sucks."

And that was the end of it. Things were really simple with James. We understood each other enough that he didn't need to say anything else. I got it.

"Sorry about your face man, you look like crap."

He touched his bruised cheek with his hand.

"Will you kiss it and make it better?" he asked me, widening his eyes trying to look innocent.

I puckered my lips.

"Oh, come here you," I said fluttering my eyelashes.

And then we were laughing. Not necessarily at the stupid joke. Just at the joy of being friends. Which sounds really stupid and cliché and it is. But it was nice. Just for a moment, it was like any normal day. Toodaloo day from hell won't miss you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Rose's POV**

I often felt like I was two different people. The person everyone saw me as, some girl, who may or may not have been sleeping with half the guys in school. Some girl, pretty and smart and carefree, pining after James Potter. Well, I suppose that last part was true anyway. I knew perfectly well what people thought of me and I did nothing to stop it. For the truth was, I honestly didn't care. Their whims were small and inconsequential in the long run. If I was being perfectly honest, I probably wouldn't live long enough for their thoughts to even touch me. There were remarkably few people that I cared what they thought of me.

Sometimes everything I did felt like a charade. All part of what Dumbledore would say was, "for the greater good." I didn't like the thought really. All that mattered was what the end result was. I had to repeat this to myself so often that it felt tired and overused. What did the end result matter if I wasn't around to enjoy it? But that wasn't true either, I didn't think like that. What really mattered was that James was around to enjoy it, life without the constant threat of death hanging over his head. My life be damned.

I sighed, running a hand through my wild red hair. I stood forcing a cheery smile on my face and headed down to breakfast. It was hard some days, after all the other girls had left to make myself peppy and cheery. To put a welcoming smile on my face and act like I didn't have a care in the world. Hard, but worth it in the end. I hoped.

I hopped down the last step to the entry hall and skipped in to breakfast, sliding happily into the seat beside James, who was staring forlornly into a bowl of cereal. He gave me a smile when I entered though, and even managed a groggy sort of hello. I smiled at the attempt. Everything I was doing was for James. Everything.

I often felt like James was the only one who knew the _real _me, which was ridiculous because most of the time he hardly knew me at all. But when it was just James and I, I felt like I could tell him anything. Be anyone, be me. Which would also be ridiculous because it would put him in far too much danger.

I lay my hand on top of his on the table, glad for its warmth under my own pale, cold hand.

"Sheesh, Rose," he said drawing his hand away, "Your hands are freezing."

I looked at him with a wounded expression, already missing the warmth of his hand under my own. Seeing this he frowned, taking both of his hands to cup my own between them. He smiled warmly.

"Better?" he asked.

I let out a brilliant smile, letting happiness shine across his face. James would never intentionally hurt me. I knew that. And it made me shine from the inside out. All it took was just as simple of a gesture as cupping my hand in his own. Things were almost always extraordinarily complicated with James; it was nice when it could be just that simple.

I smiled, pulling him up from the table, even though I hadn't eaten a bite. He looked at me confused, but followed the tugging of my hand out of the Great Hall and into an empty classroom. He looked befuddled as I let of his hand and hopped on top of a desk, sliding back until my knees hit the edge.

"We seriously need to talk, James."

"I'm worried about you," I started, "are you okay?"

He frowned, but moved to sit beside me.

"There's just a different feeling in the air this year. Everything is different, and the darkness seems to be lurking just around the corridor. It scares me, it makes me feel insignificant. I want to help. In anyway that I can. I'm tired of being the popular boy in school, smart, but useful only for playing complex pranks. I want to make a difference in this world."

Help. The word froze in my stomach. Stopped my breathing. James didn't know. Couldn't possibly know how dangerous it was out there. It wasn't safe. Not for me and most certainly not for him. What could I say to him? That he was better safe in here? That it was far to dangerous? How could I make him understand?

"You will help, someday. You're absolutely brilliant James. Don't ever think yourself useless."

"But I am don't you see. People are dying. Maria is dead and I'm sitting here doing nothing."

He put his head in his head, pushing his glasses up and rubbing his eyes. I leaned my head closer to his and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. I could feel him shudder and breathe in and out heavily.

"I will help," he said, and looked at me, hazel eyes so intense and burning that I could almost see the fire brimming in his eyes, "anyway that I can."

And that's when I knew. He could help. Really could. I hated that, and I loved it. I wouldn't love him if he couldn't, or wouldn't, but because I loved him, I hated the idea of putting him in danger. But he would find it anyway, and I would need to help him in any way that I could.

But how could I tell him. How did you go about telling someone a secret that you had kept from them? It seemed to me, that in all the books, the person was always caught in the middle of the lie. How could I tell him I wasn't who he thought I was? That I was doing what he wanted to do. That I was helping, that Dumbledore trusted me more than him, Dumbledore's golden boy.

"I'll help you train if you like," I say so suddenly, that I surprise even myself.

"You, Rose, what do you mean?" he looks so positively bewildered that I can't escape the giggle that comes bubbling up my throat.

And suddenly I'm laughing so hard I can't believe myself. It was one of those moments that something isn't funny, and yet… you can't stop laughing. James didn't really know whether to be relieved or entirely more confused as I leaned into him, my side aching.

And of course, because life is ironic this way, that is the exact moment that Lily Evans walks in. Her face was red and her eyes were swollen and it was incredibly obvious that she'd been crying. She wasn't one of those people that looked pretty when they cried, which surprised me. She just looked sad and pathetic. And her face twisted with rage when she saw us.

And I admit I could see what it seemed like. Half the people in the school thought that James and I were a thing. And then here we were, me practically sitting on his lap, his arms wrapped around me to steady my laughter. My face bright red, a smile fading from my face. James's glasses askew on his nose. I could see what she was thinking.

But by god, it wasn't like that. James wasn't like that. But of course she didn't know that. And how it enraged her. I could see the rage twisting in her eyes. And suddenly she was gone, the door slamming behind her, leaving a sudden emptiness in the room. And James's embrace was cold and as I twisted around to face him, I could see anguish twisting his features. And he pushed me away, unwrapping his arms from around my shoulder. And I knew that this time it was him that was hurt.

And suddenly I was gone. Racing out the door and down the hallway.

"Lily, wait!" I was calling, and the only thought in my mind was of fixing things between them.

She didn't stop and I had to speed up, flying past the few people who weren't at dinner. I caught up with her and tried to put my hand on her shoulder to stop her. She stopped abruptly and spun around so quickly that I almost ran into her.

"What?" she said, trying to sound snappy, but she just looked sad and pathetic, and her eyes were running and she looked horrible and suddenly I didn't know what to say, how to explain it.

"It wasn't what it looked like, really."

"Yeah," Lily said, wiping her eyes on the corner of her robe, "sure."

"He doesn't love me, not at all."

"Yeah, he does," she said, sniffling, "you may not think so, but I've seen the way he acts around you."

"I think I know him a little better than you, and I can tell you, he loves you. Trust me."

And suddenly I felt like crying too. Why should I comfort her? Why should I push to the front of my mind how much more he loved her? Why should I remind myself that I was only second best compared to Lily Evans?

"It's not like I care or anything," Lily said, sniffling, but she wasn't fooling anyone. Least of all herself.

"Come on," I said, despite the fact that all I wanted to do was leave.

I took her hand and pulled her after me, stopping at a tiny alcove and pulling the candlestick out and twisting it counter-clockwise. There was a satisfying click and a section of the wall peeled back revealing a little room. The room was tiny, with only a couch, a chair and a fireplace, which I flicked my wand at causing it to light.

I lead her in to the room, sitting in the chair and gesturing for her to take the couch. She looked at me suspiciously, but settled down, tucking her legs beneath her.

"Now what's really up?" I asked her.

"A town where I grew up, near where my parents lived now was just attacked. It-" she hesitated here, as if to judge whether she could trust me, "it scared me. I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and everyone I know will be dead, and I will always wonder if I could have saved them, or done something differently. I don't know. I suppose you could say I'm afraid I'm going to die alone."

"Then what are you going to do about it?"

She frowned, confused, "what do you mean?"

"I mean, don't be alone. Expand your horizons, fall in love. Be free. Celebrate. Let go of your fear, until it is needed. For as soon as you leave these walls you are no longer a child, there are things that are expected of you. So live while you can, and then do what you must when you are older."

She was silent for a long while, but I noticed that her tears had stopped running and her face was returning to it's normal color. And then suddenly, out of the blue.

"Would you let me have him, if I wanted him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because," I said, "I want him to be happy. I want him to really be in love, and I know that he wouldn't be if he forced himself to be with me. I don't want you to have him, but if you want him, he will always be yours."


End file.
